hah!

little bad things

Passive Aggressive

I haven't been home in a few days, so it is nice to be here sitting in bed without a thing to do in the world. I should clean my room or maybe iron my hair down a little bit, but there will be time for that tomorrow. I know that it's Friday and I kind of want to go out, but I realize there's nothing out there for me. I feel like a lot of the people I continually run into are people that are stuck in their ways and are permanently engrossed in stupid shit. How eloquent. Anyway, this isn't really what I wanted to get into. I wanted to say that this past weekend really showed me a lot about myself that I don't relate to at all. I was jealous of something that was unjustified. I was unable to actually speak about what was bothering me until after the fact. I'm glad it was only a temporary lack of control and that it left as quickly as it came.

What happened last night was also a cause for concern to me. I'm aware of what people say or what has been said and it makes me shake my head in disbelief more than anything else. Those who know me, know me and as for those who don't, all they do is create unsubstantiated lies that do nothing more than reflect on the way that people will attempt to feed off any insecurities a person has or any sort of rumor that comes around. It's frustrating, but defending myself against that isn't what's important to me. The only thing that is important to me is what you feel about me. You know me and that's all that matters.

In retrospect, this past weekend was actually nice in many more ways than one. Father's day was enjoyable and even though I thought I was going to faint at Jazz Night I had fun hanging out with Stephanie. Last night was really nice too. I really like my job and the fact that I get to go to fashion shows with the entire crew is great. I think the Valentino one is coming up soon, or it might have already passed. Regardless, once business starts picking up, I'm certain there will be many more events to attend. I haven't really said anything at all about my job, but I do love it. The only thing I hate is waking up before 10 in the morning everyday.

meep :)

Hrm

I know I'm always telling you to blog but never actually do myself so here I am blogging. Atlanta was a fun time despite the series of mishaps that caused some serious mood swings and potential grey hairs on my head. The Aquarium was really nice, as was the Omni. The Omni was actually incredible (it was no FontaineBleau, but what is?). It had huge windows that let in a ton of natural light and the friendliest staff of bar maids. Our last day there was without a doubt the funniest, I mean right before leaving the hotel to head over to the airport. I was ready to stay another day and just keep hanging out with Tanisha. I'm sorry for being moody on the plane when we were stuck in Columbia and for being frustrated when we couldn't find the car in Miami. In retrospect, it's all kind of funny. I'm excited to go to Lollapalooza and explore Chicago. Maybe I'll be making another trip sometime in July to see She & Him. Lucinda Williams needs to tour.

OHh Atlanta

I feel great today despite this cold. So excited for tomorrow. Ah! I like being occupied.
Can't wait for tmrw!

nite

Sometimes

There are times where I feel as if I let myself regress to the point where all the changes I've managed to make don't even matter. There are days where I say things I don't mean and that don't make sense to me and feel as if it wasn't even me that said them. Not even mean things or things said out of anger. They just out of character and I'm sure I'm the only one that notices them. Those words that feel so foreign as they lick and rub my against teeth escaping from my throat.
I don't feel like myself sometimes, for seconds at a time that's all, but that's all it takes. I can't be the only one fighting with myself to be a better person, to make the right decisions, to mind how others feel. I don't want to go back to who I was for the majority of 2008. It wasn't me, it was some ghost I let take over and drag me through the trenches. I'm aware of my faults and every day I have to remind myself that change can be permanent and that regression isn't necessary. I'm so happy with my life right now, but it's those seconds throughout the day, remnants of what I used to be, that keep me up some nights and haunt me while I sleep.

In lighter, less meaningful news, Night at the Museum p. II sucked. Don't watch it. Though, it was nice to see Nicole and Stephanie.

goodnite readers

She's Your Lover Now

The pawnbroker roared
Also, so, so did the landlord
The scene was so crazy, wasn't it?
Both were so glad
To watch me destroy what I had
Pain sure brings out the best in people, doesn't it?
Why didn't you just leave me if you didn't want to stay?
Why'd you have to treat me so bad?
Did it have to be that way?
Now you stand here expectin' me to remember somethin' you forgot to say
Yes, and you, I see you're still with her, well
That's fine 'cause she's comin' on so strange, can't you tell?
Somebody had better explain
She's got her iron chain
I'd do it, but I, I just can't remember how
You talk to her
She's your lover now.

I already assumed
That we're in the felony room
But I ain't a judge, you don't have to be nice to me
But please tell that
To your friend in the cowboy hat
You know he keeps on sayin' ev'rythin' twice to me
You know I was straight with you
You know I've never tried to change you in any way
You know if you didn't want to be with me
That you could . . . didn't have to stay.
Now you stand here sayin' you forgive and forget. Honey, what can I say?
Yes, you, you just sit around and ask for ashtrays, can't you reach?
I see you kiss her on the cheek ev'rytime she gives a speech
With her picture books of the pyramid
And her postcards of Billy the Kid
(Why must everybody bow?)
You better talk to her 'bout it
You're her lover now.

Oh, ev'rybody that cares
Is goin' up the castle stairs
But I'm not up in your castle, honey
It's true, I just can't recall
San Francisco at all
I can't even remember El Paso, uh, honey
You never had to be faithful
I didn't want you to grieve
Oh, why was it so hard for you
If you didn't want to be with me, just to leave?
Now you stand here while your finger's goin' up my sleeve
An' you, just what do you do anyway? Ain't there nothin' you can say?
She'll be standin' on the bar soon
With a fish head an' a harpoon
An' a fake beard plastered on her brow
You'd better do somethin' quick
She's your lover now.
--

I can't even recall..